A crucial conversation is not limited to one that takes place when presidents, prime ministers, kings, and princes sit around a large conference table to have a debate about issues that affect the future of our world. Instead, crucial conversations are actually day-to-day interactions that we all take part in.
Now, you may wonder, “What makes a conversation crucial rather than just plain vanilla?”
Well, there are three distinct features:
- stakes are high
- emotions run strong
- opinions vary
Let’s look at examples of each of these, shall we?
Stakes are High
A woman is scheduled to have a tonsillectomy. As the procedure begins, though, the other surgical team members wonder why the surgeon isn’t working on the tonsils.
But, since the people are afraid to speak up, the team ends up erroneously removing part of the woman’s foot instead. And as a result, the surgical team ends up getting sued for medical malpractice.
Emotions Run Strong
As the CEO of your company, you’ve issued a campaign throughout your organization to reduce costs. At the same time, though, you’re being accused by your top leaders of spending an excessive amount of money for furniture in the second office that you’re building for yourself. So, as a result of being overcome with feelings of anger and rage, your first instincts are to either immediately defend yourself, or strike back.
Opinions Vary
You speak with your boss about possibly receiving a promotion. She doesn’t think that you’ve earned it yet. But you feel as though you have.
Good Behavior or Bad Behavior?
Now, when we’re about to step up to a crucial conversation such as those just mentioned, are we usually on our best behavior? Well, sometimes we might be.
Most of the time, though, when talking turns tough, we may actually be on our worst behavior. “Why is that?” you ask.
There are four possible reasons:
Our Design Doesn’t Support Us
When conversations turn from casual to crucial, our bodies and emotions don’t exactly prepare us to speak effectively. For instance, when someone says something that we disagree with about a topic that means a lot to us, our brain redirects blood from activities it considers nonessential to higher-priority tasks, such as hitting and running.
Sadly, though, as the large muscles of our arms and legs get more blood, the higher-level reasoning parts of our brain get less. And as such, we’re more prepared to either fight or take flight.
We’re Caught by Surprise
A lot of times, crucial conversations happen randomly. And since they come out of nowhere, we’re forced to conduct them in real time.
In other words, there are no books or coaches to guide us. And as a result, we tend to say things that seem to make sense in the moment. But later on, we’re likely to end up wondering, “What was I thinking?”
We’re Confused
We’re making up our words as we go along because we haven’t seen real-life examples of effective communication skills. On the flip side, we may have mostly seen what not to do, as modeled by family, friends, and coworkers. So, with no healthy role models, we simply wing it.
We’re Our Own Worst Enemies
Let’s say you share an apartment with a slob, while you’re a neat freak. At first, you both really tried to tolerate each other. But that didn’t work, and you began to get on each other’s nerves.
As a result, you started nagging her about cleaning up, and she started nagging you about your nagging. So, now you’re merely reacting to each other.
Now, every time you nag, she gets upset. But of course, she doesn’t clean up. And every time she says that you’re too strict and bossy, you promise not to give in to her disgusting ways.
So, you continue to be as neat as ever, while she continues her repulsive ways. In other words, you’re now caught in a downward spiral.
More Examples of Crucial Conversations
Now, in addition to those mentioned above, there are other topics that could lead to disaster if not handled well. For instance, here are common examples of crucial conversations that you may have had yourself:
- asking your friend to repay money that he borrowed from you
- approaching the CEO who seems to be violating her own decision-making guidelines
- confronting a coworker whom you feel is harrassing you
- asking in-laws or other family members to stop interfering in your life
- asking a tenant to move out
- confronting a loved one about a drug abuse problem
- giving an unfavorable performance review to your employee
- talking to a team member who isn’t carrying his fair share of the responsibilities
- reasoning with a rebellious teenager
- confronting a roommate who’s been wearing your clothes and eating your food without asking
Okay. Now, suppose you either avoid tough issues like those we’ve mentioned, or when you do bring them up, you’re on your worst behavior.
If that’s the case, then is this a big deal? In other words, should you be worried?
Well, since the stakes are high, the consequences of either avoiding or botching crucial conversations could be devasting.
For instance, here are just a few ways our lives can be affected for the worse when conversations aren’t handled well:
Sabotage Your Career
Let’s say that things aren’t going well in your career. In fact, fed up with the way that things are done at work, you finally speak up–but you do so a bit too rashly. And as a result, you derail your career.
Wreck Your Community
You may be surprised to learn that not everyone in prison is a born criminal who came from a horrible family environment that was shaped by abuse and neglect. Instead, a number of criminals are actually first-time offenders whose violence may have been preceded by prolonged silence. In other words, after allowing unresolved problems to build up and then boil over, unfortunately, they attacked someone.
The End Goal of a Crucial Conversation
With that said, you may wonder, “What is the purpose, or end goal, of handling a crucial conversation with skill?” Well, to put it simply, it’s to come up with better solutions to the problems we face.
Now, this type of solution is not “my way” of doing things, or “your way,” but rather “our way.” In other words, it’s a “middle way.”
However, this way is not simply a compromise between two opposite points on a straight line. Instead, it’s a higher way, like the top of a triangle.
So, if you’re willing to develop the skills that you need in order to handle crucial conversations well, you’ll have a set of tools that could help you improve pretty much every area of your life.
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